In the moon-fade and the sun’s puppy breath, in the crow’s plummeting cry, in my broken foot and arthritic joints, memory calls me to the earth’s opening, the graves dug, again, and again I, always I am left to turn away into a bat’s wing-brush of air. That never changes . . . not this morning, not here where I’ve just found in the back of my truck, under the rubber mat, in a teacup’s worth of dirt, where it seems no seed could possibly be a corn kernel split to pale leaves and string-roots. It’s a strange leap but I make it and bend to these small harvests because somewhere in North Carolina there was a house and in it, my room and my bed, bare boards and the blood stains of a man that in each slant rain’s worried whispers puddles to the cries of a slave, murdered in 1863 trying to escape. Somewhere there was a child who slept on the living room’s red-vinyl couch who still matters especially now that I can’t remember when the creek that bounded our family farm led to an ocean or when a boxcar’s weather-wasted letters spelling Illinois meant somewhere there was an Illinois. It’s still 1976-- the day after I’ve been seen playing tennis with a black boy, and it seems I will always be held at gunpoint and beaten as if the right punch would chunk out his name. -------- No, it’s 1969-- The year my mother becomes a wax paste, or so she looks to the child I was, and she drips into the pink satin and I learned the funereal smell of carnations. That year the moon was still made of green cheese. That year men first bagged and labeled that moon. There are no years, only the past and I still don’t know why Odell Horne pulled a shotgun on my brother or how the body contains so much blood. I still don’t know why Donna Hill went to Myrtle Beach and three days later came back dead. For ten years I lived with Louise Stegall, the lover of my father, one of her four men, all buried-- suicide, murder, drink, again murder. It was after the second one that she sat stock still and silent, four years in the asylum. Now she walks the road all day, picking up Cracker Jack trinkets to give to children brave enough to approach her. When I was nine, the starling pecked outside her window a whole week. Somebody’s gonna die, she said and made me hug Uncle Robert’s neck as if I couldn’t know he’d be gone in two hours, as if I hadn’t learned anything about people and their vanishing. The last time I saw her she wouldn’t look at me, jerked her sweatshirt’s hood across her face and stepped into the ditch, as though there are some things even she won’t tell, as though I’ve never known it’s dirt and dust after all-- the earth’s sink and the worms’ castings. -------- With the wet leaves thick on my steps, the evening sky bruised dull gray to black, when I’ve spilt salt and as the saying goes the sorrow and tears, and the stove is cold so salt won’t burn, tell me my pocket of charms can counter any spell. Tell me again the reason for my grandfather’s fingers afloat in the Mason jar on the fireplace mantel between the snuff tin and the bowl of circus peanuts. What about the teeth in the dresser bureau, the sliver of back bone I wear around my neck? Again the washed-out photo in the family album, Pacific wind lifting the small waves onto Coral Beach, clicking the palm trees’ fronds. Again my father’s rakish grin, his bayonet catching a scratch of sun, his left foot propped on the stripped and bloodied body. Behind him, a stack of Japanese. -------- Let me believe in anything. Doesn’t the grizzled chicken dig up hoodoo hands? Won’t the blue door frame, the basket of acorns protect me; what about the knife in a pail of water? When giving me the dead’s slippered feet room to room, why not also synchronicity’s proof, a wish and the tilted ears of angels? I want to believe in the power of rosemary knuckled along the fence even as the stars order themselves to an unalterable and essential law. I want the wind-whipped leaves to settle and the flattened scrub to right itself, want the loose tin in the neighbor’s shed to finish its message. When this season in its scoured exactitude shifts closer, give me Devil’s Blue Boletus through the piled leaves, the slender green of Earth Tongue, phosphorescent Honey Tuft dispatched by the dead. Their voices coming nearer, almost deciphered. Whatever lies you have there in that nail-clipping of time, give them to me.
From Carolina Ghost Woods, forthcoming from Louisiana State University Press, spring 2000. Copyright © 1999 by Judy Jordan. All rights reserved. Used by permission.